I personally have never had one (NOR DO I INTEND TO). Thank goodness things got back to normal this month because I noticed that certain issues which SOME people took offence to actually take place in other places outside of VIVO.

For instance, we – as in the community of VIVO including staff and customers, get annoyed with people who take an hour to get their money out when they get to the front of the queue. Apparently people do that on the buses as well. They get on with a $50 note or no ticket on a ticket only bus. I am sure Bus drivers could write a pretty interesting LUST & LATTE letter.

And then there is shopping trolley rage. Perfectly sane people go nuts when they are in possession of a metal basket on wheels. I admit to not going shopping much because, lets face it; I have a couple of chefs and a mother who are at my beck & call so groceries are not a priority. But I have ventured out a couple of times recently and while waiting at the deli counter in a shopping centre I noticed the intense look of pure violence on shoppers faces if people tried to approach the counter near where they were “parked”. And it’s mostly little old ladies.

I took mama on her day trip and we nearly got caught up in a brawl between a DKNY dressed 60 something and an 80 something Best & Less special. No I did not instigate it. So, my point is this: customers behave badly everywhere & anywhere. It’s just that LVL & Lust & Latte and maybe Funniest Home Videos are the only places that tell the truth. So there. (Please imagine me poking my tongue out here, except for Mr Short Black 4 sugars who I know would get turned on by it)

SEX IN THE CITY – OUR VERSION

So, there I was running around being waitress extraordinaire and serving customers and clearing tables and taking orders, when I came across a table of 4 gentlemen. Now you know I don’t listen to your conversations on purpose, I actually try not to because I AM BUSY, but sometimes you speak very loudly and I can’t help it.

These boys were discussing the “dating game, today’s rules and what women really want”. It was amazing to hear so much emotion – choking up now even as I am writing this, so much conversation about their feelings and all the challenges they face with women. I was so enthralled by them that I tried to find 6 thousand excuses to keep going back to them and be around them.

Did you know women are demanding and all we want is commitment? Do we know how much pressure we put on men with these expectations? Well Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda & Samantha, please don’t take this personally, but BIG DEAL.

No such thing as a free lunch babe. Booty comes at price. And like my dad says, suck it up and be miserable with the rest of us.

SSUP – Sunny Side Up

Ordinarily, this is a term reserved for how you like your eggs done, but since we are far from ordinary at VIVO, we can also use it to describe activity. Like Mr Raisin toast w/ vegemite no butter who sat on a chair backwards so his back could get warm. I don’t make it, I just tell it.

RULE # 6235 – NEWS FLASH

When we say we offer newspapers & magazines to our customers as a value added service, this does not mean:

-       come in and take 15 papers to your table all at once

-       steal them – like we can’t see them stuffed under your arm

-       tear huge bits out – we can hear you!

-       steal my Vogue or Harpers 2 minutes after I put it out.

-       make me go and take a paper from another table – unless you’re cute or I’m in it!

On a personal note

I want to thank my dog box for my special gift. You rock.

Until next time we meet to discuss some of the more interesting

parts of our coffee adventures. It’s all good.

Sometimes I think I have been caught in a Benny Hill re run (please say you know what I mean) where just looking at something causes an explosion. I have endured shonky repair men and a dry cleaner who thinks pressing my frocks the way I want seems strange and charges me extra for “specific instructions”.

Oh for the day I can tell him where he can go iron you know what!  He’s just so good at giving me what I need. Now how often do we get to say that?

How Many Places Have You Seen a VIVO Coffee Cup?

I often walk around the city on my way to something or someone, and even after all these years at VIVO, I still get all misty eyed when I see a VIVO branded coffee cup in places way beyond our immediate vicinity. Now while this may not seem unusual or Lust & Latte worthy on face value fear not. It’s the place and drama of where the cup is seen that stands out:

-       One day in my car park late in the afternoon, I observed a couple having a very loud communication interaction -A FIGHT, while they were waving around 2 x extra large VIVO Coffees. Our cups were used to make emphatic statements repeatedly and I am happy to say they stood up to the challenge. This is more than can be said for the one who was wearing VIVO Coffee which had escaped from the cup during communicating. Unfortunately, they both ended up on the floor stomped. The cups, not the couple.

-       In the doctor’s office, while I was waiting for my appointment, the man next to me had a VIVO Coffee. From the labelling on the lid I could see he was drinking a double espresso (Doppio). He started taking his own pulse and muttering. He looked at me and said “my heart is racing, I think I might faint”. Now I am all for grabbing a man when you can, but unlike NRL players I prefer my friends conscious and sane.  He continued with “I have had 4 of these coffees, do you think that might be it?” Lucky I was in civilian clothes and he didn’t recognise me (doesn’t he watch TV at 7.00am on Sunday’s..?). I looked around for the emergency exit just in case.

-       On the bus – I was told it was faster than walking. Liars. Anyway, on the bus there were 4 people, all sitting separately, all drinking VIVO Coffee. All trying to sip with dignity and all missing there mouths by a mile. Mr Bus driver was launching us through traffic as if he thought he was driving a tank in Iraq. Not only was it slow, but when we got to the Apple Store, he told everyone to get out because he was too stressed to continue. Ha, betcha never heard that before.

Freaky Friday IT People

Sooo, I want to acknowledge my special Friday Breakfast Table. And tell all of you how weird they are. These people order 27 poached eggs with hollandaise sauce but no toast, because you know carbs are fattening (that’s each!). But cholesterol is your best friend apparently. And what about the scrambled eggs with raisin toast? Is that your fruit allowance? And when they book they tell you it might be 6, 8 or 15. Perfect, just perfect. We don’t really need to know how many, where is the fun in that? Fun? I bet its fun in their toilets later. Yes, I am referring to gas emissions, in a very Little VIVO Ladylike way.

Until next time we meet to discuss things that I find interesting and choose to share with you.

Happy lust and hot lattes.

PS: did I mention the young shirtless man walking around late Friday night with a VIVO sticker on his nipple?

LONG STORY – GREAT BRANDING IDEA!  Key words: firm, smooth, yummy.

How many layers can I wear? Currently I am at 4-5 depending on the time of the day and how I feel. I need the heater at 30 degrees to feel comfortable. Minimum.

Or I am contemplating a new VIVO procedure called HUG – A – MAN Day. This will be a simple straight forward system where a male subject is selected based on their potential to create warmth. He is then hugged tightly and if necessary your hands are then shoved up inside his shirt.

This can be slightly uncomfortable for the male subject, but very satisfying for the inflictor. I am still in the testing phase, selecting subjects at random and gathering the appropriate data. So far, Mr Incredible Abs is leading the competition. He seems very co operative.

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE

Please please please people, when you stand at the kiosk to order, understand that there are sirens, ambulances, fire trucks and crowds that are all competing to be heard. If you mumble you will get the wrong coffee. Or get the same coffee everyday like the rest of Sydney so you don’t need to talk. And if you insist on changing your hair colour and wearing huge Audrey Hepburn sunglasses – Mr ¾ flat white, then yes, we will stare and ask you again what your order is. It’s never boring at VIVO.

WANDERERS

Oki doki boys and girls lets discuss seating arrangements. This is a café, not pre school or day care or romper room (bring back Miss Helena!). When 2 x Hot Chocolates or 2 of anything come in (because they always order the same thing together), we never put their order through straight away because we NEVER know where will end up sitting. Sometimes the chairs are not comfortable, sometimes the table is not quite square (still trying to work that one out because ALL THE TABLES ARE 800mm x 800mm) sometimes the sun makes rainbow like patterns on the table and its annoying for them. Pick a table people, any table, but just one table. Sit down, relax. Don’t move.

VIVO RULE # 784 PARTS A, B, C…..

Our business is customer service. Our goal is customer satisfaction. The Macquarie Dictionary defines customers as “a purchaser, someone who exchanges currency for goods or services”. So naturally, a person who comes into our café and sits down, unpacks their own lunch and drink is not a customer. Would you take your own beer to a pub? Clearly they have just come through the Star gate.

LOOKING LOOKING ……

Picture this: 10.00am Mr Large Latte takes a seat in the corner, waiting for his colleague Mr Sparkling Water. He doesn’t know what he looks like but apparently the relationship has progressed enough on the telephone that he orders for him. 10.30am, Large Latte is finished and he is starting on the mineral water. Meanwhile, outside is sitting Mr OJ no ice, waiting for his colleague whom he also has no idea what he looks like. They both wait until 11.00am. Then they come up to the register, pay their respective bills and start dialling virtually simultaneously each other. “Where are you?” they say in unison. They turn around, look at each other and the rest as they say is history. The moral to this story: don’t change your drink, wear a name badge and OPEN YOUR EYES!

PS

I always look forward to your feedback regarding LUST & LATTE, thank you everyone. And to my secret spies/dobbers, keep up the good work!!!!

Until next time we express creative information between gorgeous, attractive and modest people,

here’s to a good dose of Lust & a strong Latte.

I had birthday cake everywhere. It seems most of the VIVO team AND customers are Geminis.  Some have aged gracefully, some have not. Lust & Latte also had its birthday along with Krusty, Stip, & Hot Mama.

A special mention to Mr Large Skim Flat White no sugar – ‘cause he is sweet enough!  Happy 50^th.  He travels with his twin Mr Large Skim Cap 2 sugars. There may be something inappropriate there that could require disciplinary action in the future. Have to get back to you on that.

SO YOU WANT TO BE A POLE DANCER….

This is me trying to be nice; when Weak White Tea informed us of her new “hobby”, my first instinct was to say STRIPPER! But since I am on probation, I wouldn’t dream of expressing such a term to her face. And when she said “you won’t believe how many muscles you use as you wrap yourself around the pole”, again I refrained from making any comment and politely smiled and nodded. TOO MUCH INFORMATION PEOPLE!

VIVO SALUTES NRMA TEAM WHO SUPPORT VARIETY THE CHILDREN’S CHARITY

On a serious note – yes I can be serious occasionally, we want to congratulate the team at NRMA who give up a lot of their time to raise money for Variety.They are entering The NSW Variety Bash drive again this year. It’s not a race or rally but a drive in the outback. They have parked the car in front of VIVO Café 388 George St and stood in the freezing cold to sell raffle tickets. So if any of you want to buy some tickets and have a chance to win some awesome prizes (tickets are $5 each) and support the kids, contact Lust & Latte and we will deliver them to you. We don’t want you to get cold.

WHICH BANK?

I think we should start ordering for you. It’s not sexist, but some drinks are for girls and some drinks are for boys. And then there are those who are a wee bit confused. Nice boys, cute toushies but shame about the beverages.

HOSTAGE ON DELIVERY 917

When our star delivery man for VIVO Corporate Catering – Stip, was taken hostage recently, I was not amused. A very worried young receptionist rang us and said about 20 more people turned up for lunch than originally planned, and she wasn’t letting him go until we promised to send more food. What did I say? PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON & BACK AWAY FROM MY BOY! (PS, of course we sent more food, but I suspect Stip enjoyed the “situation”)

SHATTERED DREAMS

He strode into the café, confident and strong. His deep blue eyes sparkled as he asked where he could sit. His muscles rippled beneath his tight fitting shirt. He smiled. We stared. The race to take his order began. There could be only 1 winner. The rest of us hovered. Then he ordered; “can I have a decaf weak latte with chocolate on top?” Nooooooo, I wanted to scream. My dreams were dissolving fast, replaced by horror and disappointment. Mother Nature was playing a cruel joke. Did I mention he was American…..?

Until next time we exchange information between smart and sophisticated people,

here’s to a good dose of Lust & a strong Latte.

We are told we must strive for it and take responsibility for it.

Oki doki. I guess we will be doing this in between petrol hikes, interest rate rockets, wars, coffee machine repair men who think urgent means tomorrow and the general warm and fuzzy feelings that are displayed by the CBD workers who wear cranky pants. What’s cranky pants? Well, there was a point a little while ago when one of my chefs (who I can’t name because as she is about to be a beautiful bride & I would not want to humiliate her….uh oh, did I say that out loud?) was a bit moody all the time. And then it became contagious.

We called it strop, and we used to always ask whose turn it was to be stroppy. Then we decided that it would be easier to have some kind of identifying mark for the person with strop. So she bought a pair of BIG PINK GRANNY UNDIES which said strop person had to wear.

Please don’t panic, we observe strict fashion rules and they were worn over their clothes for the duration of their strop. Unfortunately, our customers – who also seem to possess much strop, did not embrace our solution.

Thus was born “…. Oh, I think table 43 has cranky pants” or “Mr Large Skim Flat White has very tight cranky pants on” or “is there anyone today who is not wearing cranky pants!” We also have the stupid step, but let’s leave that for May.

We Just Love It When Our Customers…..

• Think that chucking money on the counter is OK.
• Pat themselves down frantically for ½ hour looking for their wallets while a queue builds up down the street.
• Look everywhere but at you when they are talking to you.
• Look at your chest the whole time they are talking to you as if you didn’t have a face.
• Wave you down frantically screaming that they are ready to order and then proceed to read the menu out loud to you as they contemplate what they want for the next 2 hours.
• Tell you about the 65 food allergies they have and for the record people, so not interested in what your spastic colon does or doesn’t do.
• Make reservations for 10 people and only 4 turn up but won’t sit at smaller table.
• Make reservations for 4 people and 10 turn up and want to sit at a smaller table.
• Send emails for a catering order but don’t know when, where or what they want. Sorry, crystal ball broken.
• Think it’s OK to bring food from home but sit at our tables to eat. Would you take beer to a pub?
• Prefer to wait until the food is on the table and then say “oh, there’s chicken in my chicken caesar, I didn’t ask for chicken, I’m vegetarian.” Bacon is not a vegetable!
• Ring up and say they are looking for someone. “He’s about 5 foot 5 (most people are sitting down), dark suit (how individual of them, a real standout there) and he’s with 2 other people.” At about this point I get strop and the pink cranky pants are circling. Obviously mine are CK or DKNY.

Until next time we express creative information between gorgeous, attractive and modest people,

here’s to a good dose of Lust & a strong Latte.

I am finally receiving HATE mail. YIPPEEEE for Lust & Latte.

I have waited years for this to happen, for people to finally take Lust & Latte seriously and at last people are paying attention. They are taking time out of their busy schedules and expressing their opinions regarding my little bits of information. I love it!

International Disturbed People’s Day

Before you all get all huffy & puffy and send me more “feedback” on the not so politically correct nature of this heading, please understand that I DON’T CARE!. This is a legitimate day in September and I have the email to prove it. Happy to send it on. It comes with a mission statement: “It doesn’t matter if you lick windows or occasionally pee yourself, you hang in there sunshine.” I kind of think it’s inspirational.

Speaking About Licking Windows….

VIVO rule #201213: we do not believe grown up people who happen to be CFO’s and National Legal Eagles should make faces on our glass to people sitting outside. Not funny & NOT HAPPY JAN. What are you, five?

And those tourists didn’t even finish their lunch, not to mention the little old lady who kept asking me if you two were all right. I told them you were from the country and it was probably your first time in the Big City.

Making It Up As You Go

Why do some people feel the need to impress their dates at the expense of wait staff? Well, I think Mr I Know Everything AKA Mr Weak Long Black will think twice next time he gets the urge. He wanted to know why we don’t make those Jelly Desserts any more. We very politely replied that we don’t believe we have ever made any jelly desserts (unless you count those jelly shots, but they were for personal use only). He INSISTED that we had. We extra double shot INSISTED that we hadn’t. He said he just happened to have a copy of our menu where it was written in Black & White. Well, he was a bit all red when we all looked at this menu – including Ms Date, and read the name of a restaurant that closed down about 2 years ago. When will they learn?

Until next time we express ourselves via hate mail or licking windows to

people who just want a good dose of Lust & a very strong Latte.

]]> http://blog.vivocafe.com.au/live-reporting-from-vivo/lust-latte-finally-receives-hate-mail/feed/ 0 http://blog.vivocafe.com.au/live-reporting-from-vivo/scandals-informants-general-gossip/ http://blog.vivocafe.com.au/live-reporting-from-vivo/scandals-informants-general-gossip/#comments Thu, 10 Mar 2011 06:01:06 +0000 Little Vivo Lady http://blog.vivocafe.com.au/?p=196 Well people, this month was hard. We have been incredibly busy and I have never in my life had so many informants dob in their colleagues.

I am drinking a glass of wine as I write because my nerves are shot. The shocking scandals that are right this second taking place under my very nose without my knowledge, could qualify as the single most terrifying situation I have been in. That includes a bank hold up a few years ago.

This cannot continue.

I insist that you all confess immediately for your own peace of mind. After all, I won’t tell everyone!

Did you know…?

I have often wondered as to whether each table needs to come with operating instructions. I mean, think about it. If you are the divisional manager of a huge HR company, you would assume that you have some level of education, intelligence and common sense. So obviously, when you want to move a table (note, don’t try this at home unless you have a clean up team like me) that has FOUR COFFEES and a MILKSHAKE, you have already considered your options. NOT. Do I need to put a warning sticker on each table “don’t move if beverages are on table?”

So You Think You Can Dance….

They should film it here. Loads of contenders. Mr Short Mac followed by a Hot Chocolate always keeps his ipod on even when he sits down at the table, keeping his groove thing going the whole time. Not sure if there is any actual music happening due to the trajectory of his whole body, but he seems happy enough. I guess.

The people next to him, now that’s a whole other story…..

The People Next To Him….

Ms Skim Mocha & Mr Cappuccino have recently entered into a committed relationship. Good for them. Only Mr C thinks that means that Ms S M should wash his clothes just like his mum does. And she said her mum washes her clothes. And he said that if her mum didn’t mind, neither did he. Yes, he really did say that. No, I wasn’t eavesdropping. I was learning to “bust a move” next door – see above.

Short And Sweet…

We don’t often get little visitors in, but it seems that we have had a load of newborns come in with their mums. Mrs Large Latte brought in her little latte to show us. She told us that he loves coffee. It’s never too early to start training new customers. A whole new generation. Generation V.

Until next time we express creative information between rhythmic, husky APEC conscious people

who just want a good dose of Lust & a strong Latte.

It’s the W.T.M.H.N.L. Work Too Much Have No Life Club.

It seems that VIVO is frequented by many of them, and rumour has it I may be nominated for President. These members arrive at VIVO at around the same time as me, 5.45am. Still dark. We all seem to have a lot in common:

• extending the “normal” 12 hour working day by coming in a bit earlier.
• no need for a lunch break, we don’t get hungry.
• our friends think we have left the country because we don’t return their calls since its not work related.
• we’ve tried to become alcoholics bit it interferes with our work.

Mmmm, I think my first priority as President will be to reduce membership. Where’s my coffee!

RED ALERT…..BIG BAG…..RED ALERT

You know those big sports bags that you could basically run away from home with? Well MR LARGE LATTE thinks that the best place to put it is in the middle of the café aisle. IT’S A TOW AWAY ZONE. The fairy god person in charge of revenge took over and it was poetry in motion. MR LL tripped over his own bag, tipped his coffee in it – it was open J. And took his mess with him. Ta ta.

ATTACK OF THE CUTLERY?

With super sonic speed, MR I’M FINE FOR NOW jumped up from his table in extreme distress. He made desperate gestures with his hands while we stared at him dumfounded. What was he looking for? The men’s room – perhaps. His mind – a possibility. Ah! Cutlery. He feverishly grabbed cutlery from another table. For food you say – uh NO. To cut off the cotton bits hanging off his tie. Dressmaking adjustments.

WHICH COFFEE AM I?

A dark chicory mystery is how I look and feel and taste,

But beware, don’t drink me in haste.

Liquid gold – pure, crisp & true,

My aim is to please with this special brew.

Smell first the aroma, then anticipate the flavour, drink all of my cup to revive you for labour.

A hit for your palate, and a drive for your day,

DRINK ME NOW, what more can I say.

STAND & DELIVER

Never expect to find your table where you left it when you have wandered off and the delivery man needs to get by! MISS SKIM LATTE went off to select something from our sophisticated literature section (NW I think) and by the time she got back our small goods man had simply relocated her! The real story here – dinner that night to apologise. Don’t you just love a man who sweeps the table right out from under you?

Until next time we chat,

Here’s to a good dose of Lust & a strong Latte.

All last week I had to deal with the heat, work in it, run around in it, serve you in it.  All last week I could feel the sweat, and I don’t sweat.  Just my eyebrows sometimes.

And all last week I had to listen to almost every customer whine.  The ones that sit in air-con all day, but have to go out to feed.  Their nasal pitch intensified along with the barometer, their annoyance factor matched it.  I am amazed at my self restraint and good behaviour – amazed. The customer however, I do not find amazing.  There were of course a few standouts….

Jeopardy Question:  Where Is ….My Brain?

Its 7.00am last Friday and yes it was already hot.  Mr Carrot Juice had barely arrived at table 30, no I mean table 31, 33, 54, 60. Bother!, Sit down so I can get this party started already.  I think he expected the higher the table number the cooler it would be.  I dunno, I just work here.  Eventually he stays put, he also stays standing.  He starts to get anxious.  I go over, not willingly, but I can’t see anyone else to delegate to.  I ask him, sweetly, “would you like some breakfast?”

He said, “Have you seen it?”

I said, “Seen…breakfast?”

He said, “IT! Have you seen it!?”

I said “No.  No ‘it’s’ today so far.  What about some breakfast, then it might just come”.  What else could I say about it.

Ice Ice Baby

Mr Cool came right over to the bar and asked for a glass of ice.  I advised, sweetly, for him to take a seat and I would bring it over.  He clenched his teeth and asked again for a glass of ice.  I knew I was face to face with heat rage.  Warrior Waitress backs down for no man, but heat rage was a murder defence last week so I gave him the glass with ice.  He took it to the bathroom.  We threw out the glass.  I don’t want to discuss it further.

VIVO Napkin Use No# 423

So, you get one napkin with your table setting.  You get another one with each food item.  How many do you need unless there is spillage?  Well, you might need a whole packet if you are Ms Large OJ who grabs a whole pile and goes around offering them to people “to mop their brow”.  I would have given her a mop if I had known that’s what she was trying to build out of my branded 2ply dinner napkins.

Thongs & Socks

How funny when people look normal from the trouser cuff up but below that NOT.  Who wears a suit, a proper man’s business suit with yellow thongs and black socks?  Who would do that in public at VIVO in front of me?  Who says its because its hot?  Who says THAT?!?! Mr ThongSock ImOutOfMyMind.  And no table for you, one year.

Normal Vs The Rest

What do you get when you cross a cranky hot person with another cranky hot person and one person wearing a jumper? Three sweaty people who chose to sit in the SUN, smoke, have soup and SMELL.  Serious smell.  Yasi portion smell.  Another winner in the NO TABLE FOR YOU EVER competition.

So, this was just a sample of my week.  My long hot week.  Lifted only by Mr So Handsome I could cry, who comes in every morning looking fresh, cool and snugglicious.  Hope the Easter Bunny brings him for me as sweet treat.

See ya.

LVL