I try not to notice these people.  They are trouble.  It all starts with “can I have a better table” to “can you get the chef to make me something different?”  No. I can’t.

All my tables are good – 4 legs, all same size.  Do you REALLY want me to tell the chef that you don’t like the menu as it is?  Would you want to eat the food after it comes back “different”?

Take Mr Coke Zero (I really wish his wife would take him back, he used to be easier when he was unhappily married), he thinks any table that has a reserve on it is better than the ones without a reserve.  He really thinks there is a conspiracy a-foot at VIVO that prevents him ever having a great table.  Wally factor high here.

And then there is Ms Decaf Soy Weak Latte (its already stopped being coffee at the decaf point, the rest is whatever), she thinks our menu works like MacDonald’s;  if you order something off the menu but totally change it so it bears little or no resemblance to the original item then its going to be better and fresher just because.  Note to all customers, a la carte does not mean Fast Food. It means off the menu and not preprepared like a deli.  Changing the menu item only annoys the chef, who takes it out on ME who then will take it out on YOU!.  Trust me on this.

Of course it wouldn’t be a whinge about “friends” without Mr Strong Skim Flat White 3 sugars. He has his dry cleaner drop his stuff off here because I have an extra hook in my office and he cant be bothered coming down for them.  He has his paper delivered here each day so he can read it with his coffee.  He has his PA leave files here in the afternoon so he can work on them over breakfast.  And he thinks I’m OK with this.  Well, I put a “Nappy Bag” on my office hook, I read his paper and tear stuff out before he comes in and I “forget” that his PA dropped files off.  I suddenly remember when he goes.  But I always smile and I’m real nice.

See you later, “friends”.

Lets discuss this Foursquare swarm world record event shall we?  Bit of a mouthful hey!  I had to use this sentence to every other customer in the lead up. “Wanna come to our Foursquare swarm world record event?  Just become a friend and then check-in!”  Then I had to explain the check-in, and the app on their phone and how to do it.  ’IM A WAITRESS, this is VIVO CAFE.  APPLE shop is across the road.  I’m not a geek genius, I’m a coffee genius.

So we do the WOM, (boss loves to use that one – “word of mouth is a powerful tool LVL, we need to use it more”) Yeah, I have lots to say if she just listened. Anyway, back to WOM. We even made little yellow swarm badges to wear – some suck up team player who loves crafts and impressing the boss with initiative. I don’t wear ‘em. I’m not a badgy person.  And we keep going on and on about the swarm event. Like I said, BIG DEAL.  But for some it was – besides my boss.

She was freaking out, not knowing how many were coming. I gave her my special look  ”R U Kidding me you have no idea on numbers?”  She said “LVL please don’t be mad, I know we (we?) can do it”  Where and why does ‘we’ come up when its really ME. W is upside down for M.  Secret Boss Business Exposed.

The day arrived, 3rd August 2010.  And I think it was the windiest day in the CBD in 60 years.  Bit of a giggle really to see her stalking and huffing and threatening to throw herself in front of a bus.  Should I tell you what I said?  No, why don’t you send me some comments about what you think I said?  Free coffee for 1 year if you get it right or come close.

I really didn’t think anyone would come.  They did.  Seriously they did.  The King & Queen of Social Media the Pintados, need special mention as they calmed her down somewhat.  I had some brandy in my coffee so I was happy.  And then began the Bacon and Egg parade, the coffee train and the temper tirade.  These people crowded in and pushed and moved after they ordered and then one of them who shall remain nameless even sent a text message for an order.  A TEXT MESSAGE.  What?  The clicking fingers not good enough?  Shall we discuss the wall of technology?  A row of women supposedly set up to help check-ins and stuff.  Oh yeah, they were organised.

Well, we got thru it, we beat the odds and opened the badge, even though Cyclone Tracey’s little sister came to visit.  Even though my boss nearly had a coronary and gasket blow out.  Even though I had to cater and serve unknown numbers – almost 200 new visitors within 3 hours, and its not like we are a little nothing place.  Looked like a bloody train station.  All aboard the Foursquare Swarm Express.  Another event executed and finalised, target and goal reached.

If I was an Avon lady I would have got a prize.  But I’m the Little VIVO Lady and I get….a tall blonde with 6 million. Sigh. I’ll just settle for a coffee.

Swarm Ya Later

LVL

Obviously I get to see a lot of legs, but lately the legs have been a big issue. And legs tell a lot about a customer and there pending attitude. Its not about how they look – goodness knows mine are definitely on the ugly side which is why they are covered. Its about how they are utilised. We know this because we tend to trip over them a lot. Take Mr Lasagne – (he has Lasagne every single day), he sits down and sticks his legs out to the side. Way out to the side. And no matter what we say or how we say it, he wouldn’t move them. Until I tripped “accidently” and spilled a coffee on his legs. I said “sorry, didn’t expect your legs to be their.” Or anywhere except under the table and out of my way.

Then there is Mrs Large Latte with chocolate on top. She has hot legs. Always wears a mini and brings my bar service to a stand still. She sits at the table with about a 2 metre clearance in front. So that she can cross her legs and they are still clearly visible to the world, the male world to be exact. How dumb does she look trying to eat pasta. But then karma stepped in (not me I swear it!) and somebody bumped into her table and she dropped a forkful of spaghetti in her lap. Boy she moved fast.

And then there are short legs, cause they make trouble too, its not just the long ones. Mr Powerade comes in and loves to put his black rubber soled shoes on my white chairs. And rub them. He sees the marks he leaves and doesn’t care. I asked him politely to not do it anymore because of the marks but he just shrugged, mumbled something about short legs and did it anyway. I went over with the windex and sprayed his shoes and the chair. He was shocked. I think he yelped. I was just pre-soaking the area.

Now these are just a couple of examples, not the worst or the best. Just a cross section. A couple of stories about leg behaviour and how it can define you. Regardless of their shape or size they come with responsibility. Don’t let your legs get in the way of a good relationship with your local cafe. Or me. BTW, I never mentioned Mr Strong Flat White who comes in on his bike every morning. He has strong tanned legs, just like his coffee. He is always allowed to pop his legs where I can see them. They make me smile. Nice pins. Happy waitress.

Its a strange situation when those who appear to be grown ups act like children and require mothering in the workplace. It appears that all maturity is stripped away once they cross over – walk in the front door basically. Male customers behave like pigtail pulling pre adolescents, female customers act like obsessed teenagers from Gossip Girl or Home & Away and my comrades, well THEY act like we are in a zoo. I blame the customers for this too.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

• Mr Strong Skim Flat White “I’m your best customer aren’t I?” Sure you are.
• Miss Extra Hot Hot Chocolate “Do you have a blanket, I’m cold” So wanna say something here.
• Ms Large Latte “I want a latte but I want it in a cup because the glass is hot” So you want a flat white.
• Mr Weak Skim Flat White “can I have some chocolate sprinkles on my flat white?” No comment.
• Mr OJ “I want freshly squeezed juice but can you strain it for me?” PULLEEEESE people.
• Miss Coke Zero ‘can you make my coke zero not too cold?” Sure, couple of seconds in the microwave should do it.
• Mr Cappuccino ‘I want banana porridge but I don’t want the porridge. Can I have just the banana cooked in the porridge but take it out?” Can I NOT serve you?

These are a snapshot of a few seconds, admittedly during peak time, but still too much. Would you ask or do these things at home? Do you go to a cafe and expect to get served by smiley happy people who are still gonna be smiley happy after some of these requests? Its a no answer in case you were wondering. Even your mother would flick your ear, and trust me when I say that’s nothing compared to our thoughts. Next time a warrior waitress serves you and she doesn’t seem HAPPY, look at who’s table she has just left. Could be Mr Peek A Boo – he likes to hide his cutlery and thinks its funny when he ends up with 4 or 5 sets. Yep, it’s cafe day-care.

Let me explain in detail about my business face and how I believe it follows the rule of reflecting our message – Exceptional Customer Service. Except when the customer orders a short black, 2 people hear him order a short black but when I take him the short black he says he ordered a flat white. This is a snort business face. Exceptional Customer Service, except when Mr Gucci shoes pushes past you when you are carrying a full tray of beers and doesn’t even say sorry while it all tumbles down. He just flashes you a “sucked in” look. This is the poke your tongue out business face. Exceptional Customer Service except when Ms Coke Zero short changes you again on the bill and again your tips make up the shortfall. This is a “I’m gonna kill her” business face which includes the bulging eyes and short breaths. How can she not turn to stone with my death look ?

Lets face it, it isn’t easy keeping face. I have a lot of experience which I am passing on to the young ones. I’m like their face mentor. I should teach it at Tafe or something. Or open my own Warrior Waitress school. And create an army.

Okay, gotta go and plan world domination.

See ya, facing off.

Its a long process, depending on the kind of bad habits they have developed elsewhere at the hands of some kind of “Customer Is Always Right” establishment. Probably a franchise. This strategy involves dedication and commitment and stealth. The customer should never know that he or she (mostly he) has been decluttered. No, its not a veterinary procedure, but you may want to wear gloves. C’mon, just kidding. Gloves are OTT.

They must shed all prior learned behaviours and start obeying a new master. I begin with directing where they will sit, never where they want. I always tell Mr Coke Zero “where would you like to sit? No that’s not available, sorry. What about this one? I don’t think it will rain right now”. He struggled initially, bit of a tug of war, but in the end he knew what he had to do. Like magic, he was decluttered.

Next, their order. They must order in a simple & concise way. First drinks, then food. If they want to talk, its after this. When I know what level of customer they are – big spender / time waster. If they start talking first or ask for directions to something, I leave. They soon learn when I keep leaving. See, decluttered.

Then its the money. Show me the money. The bigger the tip, the greater your chance of enjoying the decluttering phase. The smaller the tip, the greater your chance of pain in regular and spectacular ways. I’m nothing if not imaginative.

Now, I can hear some of you saying if I’m so hot (which I am) then why haven’t I decluttered everyone and why do I keep reporting on obvious un-decluttered customers.

Me & mine serve over 4 thousand customers a week. I get my hands on them for just a few minutes. Its not doggy school where they have them for a weekend. And customers have zero memory retention and its like Ground Hog Day every visit. Most of the time I have to start again because they don’t remember to be decluttered. Its a full time job, no benefits. Except for this new customer. He’s cute and just may be an exception to my rules. He’s very cluttered. Mr Mocha. Smooth. Yummy….. But I digress. Please go away and let me digress. Ta.

Still luv yas all, even the un-decluttered.

LVL

Hospitality customer service is what I am referring to. Short answer, yes. Long answer, yeessss. There are many politically sensitive issues in service that require various degrees of maneuvering, gentle persuasions and sometimes outright declaration of war. They don’t call me the Warrior Waitress for nothing.

Of course sex and politics have always gone hand in hand. Just before all your minds seep into the gutter, by sex I mean boys and girls, as in M or F. Not the act of doing, but the state of being a M or a F. Most sensitive issues in Hospitality occur around the M / F situation.

For example, should you treat them differently? Absolutely. They treat us different. And again, before I get sixteen thousand hate emails from various extremist groups, my point of view is based on factual evidence that I experience day in day out. So therefore its true. Because I said so. Men behave differently to women and neither behaves well most of the time. So this isn’t a man bashing thing, I like men. They just happen to annoy the coffee out of me sometimes. And woman are obviously the superior sex but we can also be just plain nasty.

Fact: men respond better to a waitress in a tight t-shirt than a loose fitting business shirt. They will buy what ever you sell them, including peanuts even if they have an allergy and go into anaphylactic shock. Love is all around based on your wardrobe.

Fact: women respond better if you compliment their looks or wardrobe, e.g. “those shoes are amazing”. Guaranteed good behaviour after that.

Fact: men will always overstep the line give any type of chance. When one customer placed his hand on my “cute behind” – his words, I accidently let his breakfast slide offthe plate and onto his lap. Fried eggs sunny side up but trouser side down.

Fact: women feel threatened when their boyfriend / husband pays too much attention to the waitress. They are then mean or rude to the waitress. Of course that doesn’t happen to me because I know to either be rude & mean first or only pay attention to the girlfriend / wife and ignore the man. Unfortunately this can somehow backfire when the man thinks you’re interested in his girlfriend / wife and then basically fantasises for the rest of the meal.

Fact: children are not cute when they wreck the restaurant. Only a mother thinks its funny when tomato sauced greasy hands touch every centimetre of glass in a one kilometre radius. Why are they angry when I ask them to tie them up please?  I said please.

Now these are just a few little things that are political in my business world. And what about the time when I put up the Fireman’s Calendar and most of the M customers were outraged. Something about “if we put naked women up, there would be a massive walkout and probably a termination involved”. My answer: bad luck.

Sometimes its good to be a woman. And when you grow up and buy your own cafe you can do what you want. Until then, I get away with anything because basically my boss knows she will never ever find anyone like me. I am the glue that keeps the angry people together.

I am sitting incognito – no uniform, a bit scruffy comfortable casual looking. I never thought I would be bothered or recognised, after all, its my media seeking camera posing boss who gets all the attention. Then out of no where, I hear the voice. Its spine chilling. “Hey VIVO girl, (girl?) get us a cappuccino will ya!” Followed by hoots of laughter. Hilarious. I ignored them. Hoped they would be done with that one comment. Of course not. Everyone is turning around, trying to find who they were laughing at. Again “Hey VIVO, don’t you serve here?” more hooting. Of course my section of VIVO extends suburbs and includes the Sydney Football Stadium, what was I thinking by not jumping to look after them? I did what any self respecting warrior waitress would do, I threw my chips at him. They were yuk anyway, might as well send them somewhere else besides my butt. He looks at me, a bit angry and yells back “is that anyway to treat a customer?” He was right. I was remiss in not throwing more chips at his mates as well. I actually have a great aim, and I can make things heavier than they really are. Its a talent, a very handy talent, that sends chips into your beers, makes them splash all over your lap and face and then shuts you up. A multitasking warrior waitress who can serve anywhere. Where is George?