Lets discuss this Foursquare swarm world record event shall we?  Bit of a mouthful hey!  I had to use this sentence to every other customer in the lead up. “Wanna come to our Foursquare swarm world record event?  Just become a friend and then check-in!”  Then I had to explain the check-in, and the app on their phone and how to do it.  ’IM A WAITRESS, this is VIVO CAFE.  APPLE shop is across the road.  I’m not a geek genius, I’m a coffee genius.

So we do the WOM, (boss loves to use that one – “word of mouth is a powerful tool LVL, we need to use it more”) Yeah, I have lots to say if she just listened. Anyway, back to WOM. We even made little yellow swarm badges to wear – some suck up team player who loves crafts and impressing the boss with initiative. I don’t wear ‘em. I’m not a badgy person.  And we keep going on and on about the swarm event. Like I said, BIG DEAL.  But for some it was – besides my boss.

She was freaking out, not knowing how many were coming. I gave her my special look  ”R U Kidding me you have no idea on numbers?”  She said “LVL please don’t be mad, I know we (we?) can do it”  Where and why does ‘we’ come up when its really ME. W is upside down for M.  Secret Boss Business Exposed.

The day arrived, 3rd August 2010.  And I think it was the windiest day in the CBD in 60 years.  Bit of a giggle really to see her stalking and huffing and threatening to throw herself in front of a bus.  Should I tell you what I said?  No, why don’t you send me some comments about what you think I said?  Free coffee for 1 year if you get it right or come close.

I really didn’t think anyone would come.  They did.  Seriously they did.  The King & Queen of Social Media the Pintados, need special mention as they calmed her down somewhat.  I had some brandy in my coffee so I was happy.  And then began the Bacon and Egg parade, the coffee train and the temper tirade.  These people crowded in and pushed and moved after they ordered and then one of them who shall remain nameless even sent a text message for an order.  A TEXT MESSAGE.  What?  The clicking fingers not good enough?  Shall we discuss the wall of technology?  A row of women supposedly set up to help check-ins and stuff.  Oh yeah, they were organised.

Well, we got thru it, we beat the odds and opened the badge, even though Cyclone Tracey’s little sister came to visit.  Even though my boss nearly had a coronary and gasket blow out.  Even though I had to cater and serve unknown numbers – almost 200 new visitors within 3 hours, and its not like we are a little nothing place.  Looked like a bloody train station.  All aboard the Foursquare Swarm Express.  Another event executed and finalised, target and goal reached.

If I was an Avon lady I would have got a prize.  But I’m the Little VIVO Lady and I get….a tall blonde with 6 million. Sigh. I’ll just settle for a coffee.

Swarm Ya Later

LVL

Men are easy. Easy to serve, easy to work out and even easier to work a big tip from. Just takes a touch….

Women are trouble because we think, plot and organise. We rally. Think about it. There is no man movement. Men have really done nothing astonishing ever. They just exist. Women change laws, shift the very universe on its foundations just to get our own way. We have awards named after us, stars, flowers and cakes.

Speaking of cakes….Miss Chocolate cupcake & skinny hot chocolate (cause that’s what you have when you are in calorie denial) has worked out how to get Mr Short Black to pay her bill every single time. 19 times so far. They are not married, they are not having any physical relations at all – she’s a bit fugly, barely work together. They met in the takeaway coffee line. I gotta make it go faster before it becomes the Black Widow Pick Up Line.

Ms Fluffy Latte (her words, not mine) comes down for her bosses lunch everyday. This is of course a selfless act on the surface. Hard worker, committed to going above and beyond the call of duty. Yeah, ok, lets call it that. Or we could call it “I will also put my dry cleaning in with his and he can pay for it since he has no idea). Or “who cares what goes on his credit card because he never sees his statement” Or (my personal favourite) “paid for my holiday because for some reason my card didn’t work and it was an online buy now special and he said pay me back when you can”

And of course lets not leave out Mr Fanta. He brings in the little Fantas every school holidays for the past 2 years. 3 little girl Fantas. Really stunning. Really switched on and sucking up dads money faster than he will ever make it. Get used to it pops.

Women govern most areas of life, influence many many things. And now we have a Female PM. Hope she remembers that woman come with X-RAY vision for seeing through other woman and she better treat us good. All of us. Even the boys. A bit. Sometimes.

Cheers,

Its Cupcake Time!!!

Obviously I get to see a lot of legs, but lately the legs have been a big issue. And legs tell a lot about a customer and there pending attitude. Its not about how they look – goodness knows mine are definitely on the ugly side which is why they are covered. Its about how they are utilised. We know this because we tend to trip over them a lot. Take Mr Lasagne – (he has Lasagne every single day), he sits down and sticks his legs out to the side. Way out to the side. And no matter what we say or how we say it, he wouldn’t move them. Until I tripped “accidently” and spilled a coffee on his legs. I said “sorry, didn’t expect your legs to be their.” Or anywhere except under the table and out of my way.

Then there is Mrs Large Latte with chocolate on top. She has hot legs. Always wears a mini and brings my bar service to a stand still. She sits at the table with about a 2 metre clearance in front. So that she can cross her legs and they are still clearly visible to the world, the male world to be exact. How dumb does she look trying to eat pasta. But then karma stepped in (not me I swear it!) and somebody bumped into her table and she dropped a forkful of spaghetti in her lap. Boy she moved fast.

And then there are short legs, cause they make trouble too, its not just the long ones. Mr Powerade comes in and loves to put his black rubber soled shoes on my white chairs. And rub them. He sees the marks he leaves and doesn’t care. I asked him politely to not do it anymore because of the marks but he just shrugged, mumbled something about short legs and did it anyway. I went over with the windex and sprayed his shoes and the chair. He was shocked. I think he yelped. I was just pre-soaking the area.

Now these are just a couple of examples, not the worst or the best. Just a cross section. A couple of stories about leg behaviour and how it can define you. Regardless of their shape or size they come with responsibility. Don’t let your legs get in the way of a good relationship with your local cafe. Or me. BTW, I never mentioned Mr Strong Flat White who comes in on his bike every morning. He has strong tanned legs, just like his coffee. He is always allowed to pop his legs where I can see them. They make me smile. Nice pins. Happy waitress.

Mr Strong Flat White / sparkling mineral water has been coming in for 6 years. I first met him and Ms Weak Flat White when they had just become engaged. Really nice guy and she was actually a lovely lady. In the beginning. They use to come in every morning without fail. Even after they got married, right up until the babies. Then it was sometimes at lunch. Fast forward 3 years & 2 children later. She starts coming in late in the day for a coffee with a new Flat White. Then Mr Strong Flat White starts coming in the mornings with a Large Flat White. I didn’t really think much of it until he came in one morning and starts to tell me all about it. So I know his new fling, I know her new fling but neither of them knows the other one. And they have to do it around me. Now fast forward 2 years. He’s remarried, got another one on the way. She’s got another one as well but chosen not to marry this one. They all come in together now. And they talk about each other when the other one runs late. I want to take pictures and make like a family tree for VIVO, but my boss says that’s not nice. So? I’m not the one doing the The Bold & The Beautiful on George St. I’m the observer, kind of like the unofficial historian. I really should document the history of VIVO, can you imagine how interested most people would be.

Miss Diet Coke has started going to TAFE at night. Her boyfriend Mr Large Long Black is so supportive of her. Packs her lunch (like that’s gonna help my tip Jar), gets her dry cleaning and picks her up at night.This has been going on for 18 months. Three times a week, she lugs the big bag to work, loaded down with books, getting through those really really long days. And he is right there, carrying those bags up to her office building, getting her coffee and delivering it at morning tea. I mean is this love or what? NOT. On the 3 days that Miss DC goes to Tafe, he’s found a part time chick. Brings her in those days for a coffee before they go home. I  heard him tell her that he works night shifts on the other days and weekends, trying to save money for them. My heart broke for Miss DC. Until I found out she was really only going to Tafe 2 days, not 3.  The other day she needed “me time”……

Strange isn’t it, how people think. Mr OJ didn’t think Ms Latte would notice the charges for some lingerie place on their credit card statement. Of course this gets done over breakfast. Must be something about French toast that brings it all out.I have tried to study the stats, tried to see if there are common factors. But its all quite random – it crosses age, sex and money. No difference if you are female or male, if you start out nice or a bitch.Its just how things go sometimes.Now for all those romantics, its not all bad. But I’m not here for that and where is the fun reporting that.

Until the next sordid chapter, see ya

Its a strange situation when those who appear to be grown ups act like children and require mothering in the workplace. It appears that all maturity is stripped away once they cross over – walk in the front door basically. Male customers behave like pigtail pulling pre adolescents, female customers act like obsessed teenagers from Gossip Girl or Home & Away and my comrades, well THEY act like we are in a zoo. I blame the customers for this too.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

• Mr Strong Skim Flat White “I’m your best customer aren’t I?” Sure you are.
• Miss Extra Hot Hot Chocolate “Do you have a blanket, I’m cold” So wanna say something here.
• Ms Large Latte “I want a latte but I want it in a cup because the glass is hot” So you want a flat white.
• Mr Weak Skim Flat White “can I have some chocolate sprinkles on my flat white?” No comment.
• Mr OJ “I want freshly squeezed juice but can you strain it for me?” PULLEEEESE people.
• Miss Coke Zero ‘can you make my coke zero not too cold?” Sure, couple of seconds in the microwave should do it.
• Mr Cappuccino ‘I want banana porridge but I don’t want the porridge. Can I have just the banana cooked in the porridge but take it out?” Can I NOT serve you?

These are a snapshot of a few seconds, admittedly during peak time, but still too much. Would you ask or do these things at home? Do you go to a cafe and expect to get served by smiley happy people who are still gonna be smiley happy after some of these requests? Its a no answer in case you were wondering. Even your mother would flick your ear, and trust me when I say that’s nothing compared to our thoughts. Next time a warrior waitress serves you and she doesn’t seem HAPPY, look at who’s table she has just left. Could be Mr Peek A Boo – he likes to hide his cutlery and thinks its funny when he ends up with 4 or 5 sets. Yep, it’s cafe day-care.

Business is tough and you need to be tough to conquer and win. These aren’t words for sometimes, these are words for all times. Its not easy to do the same job all day everyday – imagine saying “hello, how are you? Can I help you?” twenty six million times a day to a bunch of customers who don’t even bother to look at you or answer you. Or what about cleaning dirty tables, folding napkins, filling up sugars, sweeping floors, washing windows and my personal favourite – scraping dirty plates. Not rocket science I know, but most small businesses are full of repetitive jobs like these that keep the wheels going. And some big businesses too. Its not the glamour work with the expense account and the perks and allowances of big important jobs in companies that actually have entertainment budgets and stationary cupboards. But I defy any CEO to handle as many issues as a waitress does at any one time with only yourself to rely on. No board of directors to blame when it all goes wonky. Just the waitress to take out all your frustrations on. She is the first and final line of defence. Tough gig, tough business.

If all the people who do all the crappy jobs with the lowest of rewards (my boss calls them small business owners) actually united, you would make that Volcano in Iceland look wussy. I know how she feels; unloved, unappreciated, overworked, underpaid and usually ripped off. Wait, I must be a small business owner by now surely. I don’t often feel sympathetic towards her – or some customers for that matter, but today she not happy. Maybe I’ll ask her to share, you know, show her I “care”. Or maybe I’ll go scrape dirty plates and talk to customers. Mr Strong Long Black looks lonely, should be good for a tip if I tell him he looks thinner. Men, tough business.

Let me explain in detail about my business face and how I believe it follows the rule of reflecting our message – Exceptional Customer Service. Except when the customer orders a short black, 2 people hear him order a short black but when I take him the short black he says he ordered a flat white. This is a snort business face. Exceptional Customer Service, except when Mr Gucci shoes pushes past you when you are carrying a full tray of beers and doesn’t even say sorry while it all tumbles down. He just flashes you a “sucked in” look. This is the poke your tongue out business face. Exceptional Customer Service except when Ms Coke Zero short changes you again on the bill and again your tips make up the shortfall. This is a “I’m gonna kill her” business face which includes the bulging eyes and short breaths. How can she not turn to stone with my death look ?

Lets face it, it isn’t easy keeping face. I have a lot of experience which I am passing on to the young ones. I’m like their face mentor. I should teach it at Tafe or something. Or open my own Warrior Waitress school. And create an army.

Okay, gotta go and plan world domination.

See ya, facing off.

Its a long process, depending on the kind of bad habits they have developed elsewhere at the hands of some kind of “Customer Is Always Right” establishment. Probably a franchise. This strategy involves dedication and commitment and stealth. The customer should never know that he or she (mostly he) has been decluttered. No, its not a veterinary procedure, but you may want to wear gloves. C’mon, just kidding. Gloves are OTT.

They must shed all prior learned behaviours and start obeying a new master. I begin with directing where they will sit, never where they want. I always tell Mr Coke Zero “where would you like to sit? No that’s not available, sorry. What about this one? I don’t think it will rain right now”. He struggled initially, bit of a tug of war, but in the end he knew what he had to do. Like magic, he was decluttered.

Next, their order. They must order in a simple & concise way. First drinks, then food. If they want to talk, its after this. When I know what level of customer they are – big spender / time waster. If they start talking first or ask for directions to something, I leave. They soon learn when I keep leaving. See, decluttered.

Then its the money. Show me the money. The bigger the tip, the greater your chance of enjoying the decluttering phase. The smaller the tip, the greater your chance of pain in regular and spectacular ways. I’m nothing if not imaginative.

Now, I can hear some of you saying if I’m so hot (which I am) then why haven’t I decluttered everyone and why do I keep reporting on obvious un-decluttered customers.

Me & mine serve over 4 thousand customers a week. I get my hands on them for just a few minutes. Its not doggy school where they have them for a weekend. And customers have zero memory retention and its like Ground Hog Day every visit. Most of the time I have to start again because they don’t remember to be decluttered. Its a full time job, no benefits. Except for this new customer. He’s cute and just may be an exception to my rules. He’s very cluttered. Mr Mocha. Smooth. Yummy….. But I digress. Please go away and let me digress. Ta.

Still luv yas all, even the un-decluttered.

LVL

I know my boss underestimates me, barely even acknowledges my existence. Except when she needs something. Just like Mr & Mrs Cranky. Hereby known as Mr Skim Flat White (SFW) and Mrs Skim Latte (SL). Lets see, where to start…. oh yeah, FIRST FREAKING THING IN THE MORNING.

6.05am Mr SFW arrives. Half sits. This is when a customer will not fully seat himself to order. He believes that waiter speed is increased if you look like you may catapult yourself out of a chair in order to get served. I then walk slower. I’m tired. Its early. Bite me. He waves me over and starts with:

- “my wife wants (she’s not there, I don’t even know of her existence, but let’s assume she is real for now) a Skim Latte, I want a Skim Flat Flat White. She wants a dash of chocolate on top, try not to get any on the rim of the glass. I hate froth, I want mine very very very flat. Got that?” I nod. Its still early, I’m still tired and now I really really want to bite him.

- “breakfast. I want raisin toast, slightly (not lightly) buttered. Do not over cook it. Golden brown all over. My wife wants muesli with tropical fruit. Not other fruit, just tropical. And can you fresh toast the muesli” (this was a statement, not a question) “add only skim milk of course. How long will that take?” This was a question.

They eventually left and I will spare you the blood thirsty details of this visit, but maybe not the rest.

9.03am. She comes back. Alone. Crap. She sits down at the same table, again. Has the same coffee, again. Asks for a paper, a pen & a bandaid. Then a calculator. I said we didn’t have a spare one sorry. She said had I never heard of customer service? Then she drags another table over – that makes 3 tables now for 1 person, knocks over 2 sugar bowls, breaks 3 salt shakers and acts as if it never happened. I go to the kitchen and yell at the chef. He’s always cranky so it’s fine. I come back, she asks for the bill. She has no money. She packs up, rushes out the door and yells over her shoulder “my husband will come back and pay”

11.38am. He comes in with 2 others. Mr SFFW, Mr SB & Mr DC. While they are talking, He starts playing with the sugars, ripping them open and making little piles on the table. Like a five year old. His mate Mr SB pays the bill, obviously not for Mrs SL.

2.45pm. They both breeze in, all cranky, frowning and generally being yuk. She says “I only want a glass of water, I need to think.” He says “me too.” Maybe they both needed time to think about an apology, or 5 easy steps to being a human being or how about tips & tools to being nice. No. They sat their on their respective phones for almost an hour. Ordered nothing else. Got up to leave and almost made it out the door. But I was in there way.

3.40pm. Me in doorway. With a bill. They both looked at me. He said “move, we had nothing.” I said “of course not now sir, but there is the small matter of your wife’s coffee, the breakages & damage she caused and of course my tip. I have added it all up for you, cash or credit?”

What did I learn? Don’t start early, don’t approach customers until I have had at least 2 VIVO coffees, and send the boss to the insane customer section. Lets see how she handles fresh toasted muesli, golden brown & tropical fruit. Did I mention what I put in their water…..? Don’t worry, they will pee it out. Just kidding LOL

Luv yas all. LVL

Hospitality customer service is what I am referring to. Short answer, yes. Long answer, yeessss. There are many politically sensitive issues in service that require various degrees of maneuvering, gentle persuasions and sometimes outright declaration of war. They don’t call me the Warrior Waitress for nothing.

Of course sex and politics have always gone hand in hand. Just before all your minds seep into the gutter, by sex I mean boys and girls, as in M or F. Not the act of doing, but the state of being a M or a F. Most sensitive issues in Hospitality occur around the M / F situation.

For example, should you treat them differently? Absolutely. They treat us different. And again, before I get sixteen thousand hate emails from various extremist groups, my point of view is based on factual evidence that I experience day in day out. So therefore its true. Because I said so. Men behave differently to women and neither behaves well most of the time. So this isn’t a man bashing thing, I like men. They just happen to annoy the coffee out of me sometimes. And woman are obviously the superior sex but we can also be just plain nasty.

Fact: men respond better to a waitress in a tight t-shirt than a loose fitting business shirt. They will buy what ever you sell them, including peanuts even if they have an allergy and go into anaphylactic shock. Love is all around based on your wardrobe.

Fact: women respond better if you compliment their looks or wardrobe, e.g. “those shoes are amazing”. Guaranteed good behaviour after that.

Fact: men will always overstep the line give any type of chance. When one customer placed his hand on my “cute behind” – his words, I accidently let his breakfast slide offthe plate and onto his lap. Fried eggs sunny side up but trouser side down.

Fact: women feel threatened when their boyfriend / husband pays too much attention to the waitress. They are then mean or rude to the waitress. Of course that doesn’t happen to me because I know to either be rude & mean first or only pay attention to the girlfriend / wife and ignore the man. Unfortunately this can somehow backfire when the man thinks you’re interested in his girlfriend / wife and then basically fantasises for the rest of the meal.

Fact: children are not cute when they wreck the restaurant. Only a mother thinks its funny when tomato sauced greasy hands touch every centimetre of glass in a one kilometre radius. Why are they angry when I ask them to tie them up please?  I said please.

Now these are just a few little things that are political in my business world. And what about the time when I put up the Fireman’s Calendar and most of the M customers were outraged. Something about “if we put naked women up, there would be a massive walkout and probably a termination involved”. My answer: bad luck.

Sometimes its good to be a woman. And when you grow up and buy your own cafe you can do what you want. Until then, I get away with anything because basically my boss knows she will never ever find anyone like me. I am the glue that keeps the angry people together.