I know I’m just a waitress. I know I don’t rock the world or rule the planet. I don’t make life threatening decisions or solve world poverty. But I can make or break your day.

I know my boss underestimates me, barely even acknowledges my existence. Except when she needs something. Just like Mr & Mrs Cranky. Hereby known as Mr Skim Flat White (SFW) and Mrs Skim Latte (SL). Lets see, where to start…. oh yeah, FIRST FREAKING THING IN THE MORNING.

6.05am Mr SFW arrives. Half sits. This is when a customer will not fully seat himself to order. He believes that waiter speed is increased if you look like you may catapult yourself out of a chair in order to get served. I then walk slower. I’m tired. Its early. Bite me. He waves me over and starts with:

- “my wife wants (she’s not there, I don’t even know of her existence, but let’s assume she is real for now) a Skim Latte, I want a Skim Flat Flat White. She wants a dash of chocolate on top, try not to get any on the rim of the glass. I hate froth, I want mine very very very flat. Got that?” I nod. Its still early, I’m still tired and now I really really want to bite him.

- “breakfast. I want raisin toast, slightly (not lightly) buttered. Do not over cook it. Golden brown all over. My wife wants muesli with tropical fruit. Not other fruit, just tropical. And can you fresh toast the muesli” (this was a statement, not a question) “add only skim milk of course. How long will that take?” This was a question.

They eventually left and I will spare you the blood thirsty details of this visit, but maybe not the rest.

9.03am. She comes back. Alone. Crap. She sits down at the same table, again. Has the same coffee, again. Asks for a paper, a pen & a bandaid. Then a calculator. I said we didn’t have a spare one sorry. She said had I never heard of customer service? Then she drags another table over – that makes 3 tables now for 1 person, knocks over 2 sugar bowls, breaks 3 salt shakers and acts as if it never happened. I go to the kitchen and yell at the chef. He’s always cranky so it’s fine. I come back, she asks for the bill. She has no money. She packs up, rushes out the door and yells over her shoulder “my husband will come back and pay”

11.38am. He comes in with 2 others. Mr SFFW, Mr SB & Mr DC. While they are talking, He starts playing with the sugars, ripping them open and making little piles on the table. Like a five year old. His mate Mr SB pays the bill, obviously not for Mrs SL.

2.45pm. They both breeze in, all cranky, frowning and generally being yuk. She says “I only want a glass of water, I need to think.” He says “me too.” Maybe they both needed time to think about an apology, or 5 easy steps to being a human being or how about tips & tools to being nice. No. They sat their on their respective phones for almost an hour. Ordered nothing else. Got up to leave and almost made it out the door. But I was in there way.

3.40pm. Me in doorway. With a bill. They both looked at me. He said “move, we had nothing.” I said “of course not now sir, but there is the small matter of your wife’s coffee, the breakages & damage she caused and of course my tip. I have added it all up for you, cash or credit?”

What did I learn? Don’t start early, don’t approach customers until I have had at least 2 VIVO coffees, and send the boss to the insane customer section. Lets see how she handles fresh toasted muesli, golden brown & tropical fruit. Did I mention what I put in their water…..? Don’t worry, they will pee it out. Just kidding LOL

Luv yas all. LVL

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