Its not what you think. Decluttering your customer is not about accessory reduction – although with some people LESS IS MORE, certainly with Ms Weak Long Black who we can hear before we see coming into the shop, or Mr Strong Black Tea who we can smell before we see. Its not about their emotional baggage either, even though they take out there frustrations on me & mine. Its about making sure they shed all their illusions regarding their retail behaviour before they begin their paying activity with you.

Its a long process, depending on the kind of bad habits they have developed elsewhere at the hands of some kind of “Customer Is Always Right” establishment. Probably a franchise. This strategy involves dedication and commitment and stealth. The customer should never know that he or she (mostly he) has been decluttered. No, its not a veterinary procedure, but you may want to wear gloves. C’mon, just kidding. Gloves are OTT.

They must shed all prior learned behaviours and start obeying a new master. I begin with directing where they will sit, never where they want. I always tell Mr Coke Zero “where would you like to sit? No that’s not available, sorry. What about this one? I don’t think it will rain right now”. He struggled initially, bit of a tug of war, but in the end he knew what he had to do. Like magic, he was decluttered.

Next, their order. They must order in a simple & concise way. First drinks, then food. If they want to talk, its after this. When I know what level of customer they are – big spender / time waster. If they start talking first or ask for directions to something, I leave. They soon learn when I keep leaving. See, decluttered.

Then its the money. Show me the money. The bigger the tip, the greater your chance of enjoying the decluttering phase. The smaller the tip, the greater your chance of pain in regular and spectacular ways. I’m nothing if not imaginative.

Now, I can hear some of you saying if I’m so hot (which I am) then why haven’t I decluttered everyone and why do I keep reporting on obvious un-decluttered customers.

Me & mine serve over 4 thousand customers a week. I get my hands on them for just a few minutes. Its not doggy school where they have them for a weekend. And customers have zero memory retention and its like Ground Hog Day every visit. Most of the time I have to start again because they don’t remember to be decluttered. Its a full time job, no benefits. Except for this new customer. He’s cute and just may be an exception to my rules. He’s very cluttered. Mr Mocha. Smooth. Yummy….. But I digress. Please go away and let me digress. Ta.

Still luv yas all, even the un-decluttered.

LVL

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